The End Before a Beginning

It hits you like a ton of bricks. You can't begin to fully comprehend the entirety of the text message, even after having read it countless times. Actually no, you completely understand what's said but you don't get the why behind it. You glare at the screen of your phone, unsure if you want to see another message from him or if this deafening silence is better.

You want to ask him why. You want to ask him if all the words he's said before were just that - words. Did they mean anything when he said he cared for you? Or when he said you were special? Were any of the words genuine? All the times when you pictured being with him (introducing him to your friends and family and vice versa with his and just hanging out), was his line of thought the polar opposite of yours?

But let's face it. Even if you do see him again, you could never ask him these questions. Partly because you won't know how to act around him but mostly because you're scared of the answers. How can you put yourself out there again when this one person you care for could possibly give you a barb wire response?

So you occupy your mind with something else, anything to stop thinking about his words. About him. You watch a tv series only to realise that you've missed the plot of the episode. You try to finish the book you've been reading only to realise that you've read the same page multiple times without knowing what you've read.

Since it's so easy to get lost, you give in to the pull of memories. You remember the first time you met him. You remember how your heart palpitated when you first spoke to him. You remember every single thing that ran through you when he kissed your forehead and tells you that your hair smelled nice. You remember holding his hand and not wanting to let go. You remember that exact moment when you knew you cared for him. You remember letting your guard down and finally letting someone in. You remember asking yourself, "After 1.5 years, why him?"

He said goodbye too early to merit tears. You don't cry. After all, it wasn't as if you're in love with him. You just sit there, wondering what went wrong? Did you care too much? Did you not care enough?
The one certainty you know is that he was the one who broke you. The one who brought you back to the brink of humanity. The one who's so special that you know you'll always care for him.

Hugs,
Nora