Off Mode

I don't reach out very often but when I do, it takes a lot outta me.

N with that, the switch is flipped off. It's just not worth it, especially at a time when I needed you.

Hugs,
Nora

Time For You To Let Me Go

For fuck's sake.

I'm old enough to know what I want. Even if I don't, that's on me. 

Life is all about choices and the choices that I seek may not be the ones that you agree with or approve of. While I understand that you care (and I do you too), I need the space to do me. To be me. 

So as wrong as you think my choices are, as difficult as it may be for you to understand, all I ask is that you accept me and my choices. 

I'm more than a quarter of a century old and I need you to let me go. I promise I won't disappear and I'll always be here, always yours. 

So please, unclip my wings and let me go. 

Hugs, 

Nora

Being Selfish

"For once in your life, be selfish."
A friend said that a few nights ago and that sentence has since resonated in me.

Whatever that has happened to you, whatever that haunts you - it has nothing and everything to do with me. I want to help you heal the wounds and mend you, right the wrongs that have been done to you. I swore to myself that I'll never fall into this hole again, but yet I watch idly as it happens. Why do I bother? Why does it seem like you're the exception to the rule?

I knew all along that your heart and soul are in pieces and you have little affection, warmth and stability to give me. I don't blame you but I still believed that you're not broken. You're not, in your words, "fucked up". In short, I believed in you.

It didn't matter that you think you're broken. I didn't believe that and even if you are, so what? Does it mean that I'm supposed to run screaming to the hills? What kind of a person will that make me?

At some point in your life, something or someone is bound to have broken you to a certain extent. That doesn't mean that a broken person deserves any less love, care and affection simply because they're afraid of being burnt again.
Love them. Be there for them. If you're lucky, they will learn to love and care for you too.
If you're not, you'll heal and you'll grow.

You will not have the right to decide how many times I laugh or smile today. That power is mine and I'll reclaim it. 
You will, however, go down as the one who made me whole. The one who reignited my compassion, love and understanding. 
For once in my life, I will be selfish cos I want to matter as much to you as you do to me. 

Hugs,
Nora

The End Before a Beginning

It hits you like a ton of bricks. You can't begin to fully comprehend the entirety of the text message, even after having read it countless times. Actually no, you completely understand what's said but you don't get the why behind it. You glare at the screen of your phone, unsure if you want to see another message from him or if this deafening silence is better.

You want to ask him why. You want to ask him if all the words he's said before were just that - words. Did they mean anything when he said he cared for you? Or when he said you were special? Were any of the words genuine? All the times when you pictured being with him (introducing him to your friends and family and vice versa with his and just hanging out), was his line of thought the polar opposite of yours?

But let's face it. Even if you do see him again, you could never ask him these questions. Partly because you won't know how to act around him but mostly because you're scared of the answers. How can you put yourself out there again when this one person you care for could possibly give you a barb wire response?

So you occupy your mind with something else, anything to stop thinking about his words. About him. You watch a tv series only to realise that you've missed the plot of the episode. You try to finish the book you've been reading only to realise that you've read the same page multiple times without knowing what you've read.

Since it's so easy to get lost, you give in to the pull of memories. You remember the first time you met him. You remember how your heart palpitated when you first spoke to him. You remember every single thing that ran through you when he kissed your forehead and tells you that your hair smelled nice. You remember holding his hand and not wanting to let go. You remember that exact moment when you knew you cared for him. You remember letting your guard down and finally letting someone in. You remember asking yourself, "After 1.5 years, why him?"

He said goodbye too early to merit tears. You don't cry. After all, it wasn't as if you're in love with him. You just sit there, wondering what went wrong? Did you care too much? Did you not care enough?
The one certainty you know is that he was the one who broke you. The one who brought you back to the brink of humanity. The one who's so special that you know you'll always care for him.

Hugs,
Nora